The day is drawing near, the day for Goodbyes. You may be surprised to hear that I feel a calm beginning to wash over me about it... but first things first... VACATION UPDATE:
We spend the beginning of this month in our old home, Washington State. Josh, the kids, and I spent the time at my Mom and Dad's house in Puyallup. The weather was cold, rain, and gloom, just how we missed it. Roll your eyes now, but we spent the end of March in Texas in ninety-five plus degree weather and felt a little out of our element. The rain was a welcome change, I made sure to open the window in our room and listen to it hitting the roof like a gentle lullaby.
We didn't do a whole lot of anything, mostly just enjoying being together with no demands. We visited with old friends, spent time with family, and ate more than we should have, if the moving notches on my belt are any indication. I might worry more about gaining a few pounds if I didn't know what was coming for us.
We got to celebrate Lincoln's third birthday with family. I insisted on having twenty-five balloons, and more Thomas & Friends cake and decorations than Lincoln could even take in, it was an amazing moment seeing his eyes light up in pure joy. He went around all day with pride telling everyone, "Happy Birthday!" Blew out his candles with Daddy's help, and smiled from ear to ear until he went to bed. Huge success! I can't tell you how much it meant to me that Josh got to be there for it. I teared up a few times watching them together.
We went to the zoo with my parents, had dinner with some of the old Mazda car club, Josh and I both had boys/girls nights, and we got one memorable date night. There are plenty of good memories from the almost two weeks we got together as a family.
Perhaps one of my favorites was going to Build-A-Bear for Lincoln. He picked out a little brown bear, kissed the heart, stuffed it, hugged it tight, and even gave it a bath. He lovingly named it "Bear." The special part though, is if you squeeze his little paw, he says, "Linc-y, Daddy love you Buddy." In Josh's voice. I have a feeling I may squeeze it myself a few times while he's gone.
The kids were amazing on the flights both ways, and overall the traveling experience was a positive one. Experiences like these, moments like this, I feel like Josh and I grow closer and closer together, even when I think we're as close as we can be. I love that man with all of my heart, and the depth of that love never ceases to amaze me.
Perhaps these little reminders, those precious memories, and the healing power of time away from large responsibilities are all partially responsible for the calm that is washing over me. It wasn't a tidal wave of renewal, but more like a small rippling effect that is overtaking me. I don't want to be apart from Josh for the next year or so, but I know I can survive it. I know, as a family, we can survive just about anything.
When we got home from vacation we were hit with the reality of physical paper orders. A tentative DATE even. You know, hypothetically staring at a bold red circle on the calendar, unraveled that last little bit of my reserve. I took a deep breath, I looked at the amazing family I have, at the amount of things in my life that I have to be grateful for, and I let the breath go.
I'm scared sure, and I know Josh is too. I'm worried about the kids transitioning back into life without Daddy around. I'm worried about filling the time while he's gone, and not just sulking around only half-living. I want to have wonderful stories to tell him, pictures to show him of us having fun, a life fully lived not without him, but in honor of our family. Something to share with Daddy, to get him through the time as well.
I'm growing, emotionally, and spiritually even. I'm learning things about myself, and reminding myself the things I already know.
I AM STRONG. MY HUSBAND IS STRONG.
MY FAMILY IS STRONG. MY KIDS ARE STRONG.
MY MARRIAGE, OUR LOVE, IS STRONG.
WE CAN GET THROUGH THIS AND BE EVEN STRONGER BECAUSE OF IT.
I no longer doubt my ability to make Josh proud, I see it in his eyes, he's as proud of me as I am of him. We get to go on this journey together, and though we won't be walking on the same trail, our paths will be parallel, and have the same end destination. Home. Future. Family.
I don't know if my words make sense to anyone else these days, but I know my heart feels a little lighter. I finally feel like this house in Texas is our home. The kids are at home here, in their own space. I stand by my decision to keep us here through this deployment.
While I can't share dates, the time is near. I may not write much, as I fully intend to soak up all the family time I can before my husband leaves for war. Just know, if I go a week or two without writing, I'll be back. This will be a place for me to be honest with myself for the next year or so. Bear with me through the ups and downs, but you should know by now, I always come back up on top.
Life is about the journeys that we take, and this one is going to be big. I hope you'll be there with me from beginning to end, but till then, you've been Nicked.
