He makes it easy to love him so much....

"I wake day or night, suit and boot, for the safety of my people, my family, my love... my life." (It's not much but it's for you baby, I love you) - Joshua Reeves

Friday, February 4, 2011

I Needed a Breather

I've neglected to write for the last three days. Only, it was deliberate.

The majority of my husband's unit are at Fort Carson, CO doing pre-deployment, cold-weather, high-altitude training on the helicopters. He was one of the lucky few that got to stay behind, but they're calling this a "practice deployment" and by all means it feels like one.

He's been working non-stop twelve hour days, no days off even on the weekends, for twelve days now, with no end in sight (okay, Feb 18th approx), and while I'm thrilled he gets to come home from work each night, he's exhausted and barely makes it through dinner and a shower before crashing in bed. He's grumpy and dirty, and just plain zombie like when he's awake.

I'm a single Mom right now, because he's just not here. It feels like Basic Training/ AIT all over again, and I don't like this feeling at all. I've spent the better part of the last two days laying on my bed, staring at the ceiling, trying to convince myself that a year long deployment won't be that bad.


I know it's still approx four months away, and that I should be "enjoying the time we have left" but you try and block out this gray cloud hovering over your head feeling. I want my husband home on the weekends so that we CAN be a family while he's still around. I want the kids to stop asking me "where's Daddy?" every day, with that horrified look on their faces like he's gone forever.

I know all the lines, "Count your blessings" "You should have expected this with the lifestyle" "It will be over before you know it" but sometimes hearing those things just makes me feel worse. I KNOW that I should be stronger, let it go for now, deal with it when it's closer, but what I KNOW and what I FEEL do not always coincide.

So that's where I've been, off feeling sorry for myself, watching sad movies, listening to sad songs, and crying. It felt good, but I couldn't keep it up, my kids need me to be stronger than that, my husband doesn't want to know that's how horrible I'm feeling, so I'm sucking it up now.

I need a good book to read, something that requires very little thinking, something sappy would be perfect. I'd also love to record six or seven Lifetime/Hallmark love movies and park my butt on the couch with a bucket of ice cream and just veg out. I'm sure my currently dieting body would just love me for that one, so I'll stick with NCIS re-runs and some carrot sticks, and save my severe Emo self for later.

I got to watch my son play in the snow today. Texas snow is a bit disappointing, at most there was a half inch on the ground this morning. They canceled school, most Soldiers ended up with the day off, there were 42 reported fender benders between 0800 and 1030... it's not even 1600 and only a few drops of snow are left. Lincoln enjoyed it for about an hour before the sun started really winning the battle and he was playing in slush. I got a few really good pictures of him, so I'm happy with that. Sophia will have to wait for the next snowfall, she slept through this one.

I'm making an effort to meet new people, I've had a few successful play dates in the last week, so that's a positive. I don't want to feel completely and utterly alone in a few months, or at least know that I'm not. The FRG meeting this Wednesday is the one where I'm supposed to be introducing myself to fellow wives, and turning in my paperwork for the CARE Team. I need to get to the training this month too, so that is very exciting.

I'm going to try not to have another Emo-episode again, and if even if I do, I'll try to write anyway. I know writing out how I feel helps me, and possibly even other wives, but sometimes the world is just too much for a girl, and she needs a breather.

So until next time, consider yourself Nicked, and if you have REAL snow, please, go build me a snowman!!

1 comment:

  1. Of course, a deployment is never "easy", but I think it is EASIER to have them Physically away, then home and mentally not there. It's almost like we feel like they just don't care, and their choosing to be Aholes, but their not. Their mentally and physically exhausted, and they know they have to get up the next day and do it all over again. Just like you said (with no end in sight). Try not to let it get to you too much.

    Honestly, the build up of a deployment is POSSIBLY the hardest part. We dread it and dread it so much, and the closer you get, the harder it seems. But once it gets going...(no it's still not easy) you get into a routine, and you continue breathing and thriving. You cry when things go wrong, (or just when you feel like it), You wish it were over every single day, you worry constantly, but it's not the same kind of HARD as dreading it for months, and fearing it, and having to say goodbye. There's good day and bad, but then one day you wake up and realize how much you have learned, and achieved, all on your own. If nothing else, the independence is pretty rewarding!

    Okay, okay...I'm going on and on.
    Anywho, I hope this helps! Keep your head up! :)