He makes it easy to love him so much....

"I wake day or night, suit and boot, for the safety of my people, my family, my love... my life." (It's not much but it's for you baby, I love you) - Joshua Reeves

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Like a little rustle in the leaves...

Up In The Mountains,
There is Magic in the trees,
When the wind blows through and through.
It is here I'll climb higher and higher,
Where it's cold, and crisp, and true,
It is here I'll close my eyes,
And be blissfully renewed.

Poem by Nicole Reeves, Photo by Jamey Marie Tonsgard
I'm not sure how it happened, but it hit me like a ton of bricks today. I was doing chores, playing with the babies, minding my own business... and it was like the lights went out. My whole world lost it's silver lining, and the clouds came rumbling in. The walls are bare, and so is the floor for the most part, even the paint is sterile white. My furniture is here, my things, and my little family, but it's just not home. There aren't any trees here, everything looks gloomy and dead. I don't care if the sun is out most of the year, it looks like death outside.
My family isn't here, they're all back in good old Washington State. I think that's the real issue. I'm more homesick today than I've been since we moved here. I miss the little things, like the smell of my Grandpa's shed, a mixture of sawdust and building supplies, it's something that can't be copied. Like the way my Grandma hugs you with her whole soul, it wraps a warmth around your heart and squeezes it tight. Like the smell of the rain on the pavement after a warm day, or the rustling of the wind in the trees. The sounds and smells of my childhood.
I grew up with a rain forrest literally in my back yard. A glacier just down the road, where I could ride my bike to it, hike the trails and get lost in the beauty of the world. There were more rainy days than sunny ones, but the trade off is real beauty. Greens, browns, reds, yellows, all the colors you can dream of were vibrantly displayed. Alaska is one of those places that I think everyone should experience in their lifetime.
Then we moved to Washington, or back to Washington if you count life before the age of six. It's a little diluted compared to Alaska, but you get more defined seasons. You can always drive up north and see the same type of terrain as I was used to in Alaska, so it still feels like home there.
It's only now that I'm starting to learn, Home is more of a feeling than a location.
I need to get out and make friends, but I have anxiety about it. I'm not sure where its stemming from but it's definitely there. I spend entirely too much time in this house that needs decorating. I stare at the walls and think that it looks like no one lives here. There's furniture here but no warmth, no touch of us, anyone could live here, like a hotel room, it's lacking signs of life. I need to paint, put of pictures of the people I love, throw some pretty rugs down over this cold floor.
I think this house is a direct reflection of my life here in Texas. I haven't really put any effort into fixing it yet. I think it's me worrying too much about Josh leaving. I'm trying to postpone my own life and suck in all the family time that I can hold. I know it's not healthy, and I know I need my own life too, but I'm hurting, I'm scared, and I'm homesick.
So, all that just kind of hit me today, this weight that laid me out flat on the floor and laughed at me. I know that all I have to do is get up and make changes, but I might lay here for a minute and soak in this defeated feeling. That way when it's fixed, when my life starts feeling like my own again, I'll be able to truly appreciate it.
As far as decorating my house goes, I'm putting trees in here. It's the most symbolic "thing" that I miss, and so it's got to be the answer. If I had to be something other than human, I'd want to be a tree.
Okay, I'm really out of it tonight!! My favorite show (One Tree Hill) is recording and I'm about to make a hot cup of tea and just relax in front of the TV. I need to take a break from taking my life so seriously and just let it flow!!!
Until next time, consider yourself Nicked!!

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